A Letter to My Grandson

My Radiant Mokhta Kian,

So far I have been and am a granddaughter, daughter, sister, wife and mother but on 16 September 2006 you made me Nani - your maternal grandmother. My every other relationship has changed because of this new bond. Some feelings that were dormant until your birth are slowly emerging.
When I saw you for the first time I had a glimpse of a miniature universe. Your eyes, two luminous black rose petals floating against the light blue sky; your button nose, tulip lips and flawless ivory face were impossibly perfect. I felt the snail shaped ears and touched the too soft hair; I admired long curling fingers and tiny toes attached to little pink soles. Each finger and toe ended in a drop of pearl. How much tenderness, how much delicacy had gone into sculpting you? Your complete radiance inspired the name Mokhta meaning pearl. I thought you must feel how a flower, if a flower could feel would — sensitive and vulnerable.
When Shonu, your Mom, announced that she was pregnant I was joyous. Soon, she sent me your sonogram, a four-months-old fetus — a tiny life already. After having two daughters and a whole lot of nieces a boy was welcome. Then you started to hiccup and kick several times a day. Shonu called me when you kicked her hard.
Already she had started to get anxious. What if you were naughty or spoiled!
The first time I talked to you was when you were in your mother’s womb. She was seven months pregnant. I put my lips on your Mom’s belly and introduced myself. I told you that we were going to be lifelong friends, loving and trusting, and we were going to seize each day we would be together. Did you hear me? Before your mother was born I used to imagine a beautiful little girl in a satin frock frolicking in our home. I did not think that my imagination was going to become a reality. As I was about to become a grandmother I wondered what you were going to look like. At first nothing came to my mind. But then I imagined a lovable combination of Shonu’s ethereal charm and your dad, Kyung’s, brilliant smile and shiny black hair. No matter what you looked like you were bound to capture everyone’s heart.
A wave of unbound love flows from my heart when I see my daughters Shonu and Zoonie smile. It is a kind of love that is unconditional, unique and pure. The way mine and your grandfather, Nana’s, hearts pound with joy when we see our daughters; in the same way we felt blessed when we saw you smile for the first time. When we were driving back home, I asked myself what special something could I offer my grandson? Staying in touch is important for a loving relationship to develop. So I thought of starting a tradition of letter writing.
My father used to write letters to me when I was in college and when your Nana and I came to America. Also, your Nana and I got to know each other through letters. We had neither telephone nor emails with which to communicate: we communicated through what is now called snail mail. I still prefer snail mail because it is a way of writing that is done carefully and patiently.
We’ll write and we’ll read. As soon as your Mom and Massi turned two I started reading them bedtime stories. That was a ritual just like sitting together in the family room after dinner to eat fruit and watch television. We still eat fruit, watch TV and read before going to bed, but I miss reading with my daughters. I look forward to the days when I can read stories to you. Traditional tales, legends and myths resonate with adventures. I will read you stories from Amar Chitra Katha - the comic books that introduced your Mom and her sister Zoonie (that makes her your Zoonie Massi) to Indian mythology. They distil the wisdom of centuries into simple tales and teach life lessons and values. I’ll sing songs to you that I remember from my youth - Kabuliwala, Subeh Savere Mister Chuye and Jun hi Nikal Kar Badlon Ki God Se. They are songs of love, simple life and opportunity. I want you to rejoice in the richness of paintings, stories and songs from various cultures and not get bogged down by the cultural boundaries. When you are old enough I will tell you about your parents, grandparents, great-grandparents and their ancestors. We will talk about how joyous it is to love and nourish your children and grandchildren. I’ll prepare delicious delicacies for you. We’ll dance and sing and we’ll go for nature walks. We’ll travel to Disneyland and Yosemite Park. Once upon a time I was an artist; perhaps with you I can start painting again.
Maybe on our family trips we can make outdoor sketches. I hope you take interest in art and creativity. I have a lot to learn from you the way I learnt from your Mom and Massi. I can learn and revise. Right now from you I have learnt how to just be: be yourself and be aware of the present moment. I’ll share my feelings and thoughts with you as I share my joys and sorrows with my daughters.
I am sure from your parents you’ll learn discipline and hard work. You’ll learn to love, trust and understand. You’ll learn to be sincere and pay attention to details. But I also want you to pay attention to your intuitions and clues that your inner voice offers. I get goose bumps when I wonder what talents and special interests you would have. Whenever you want you can call me. I’ll be there when you or your parents need me. I’m there to help.
You have a unique place in this world. Your mother was born in India, your father in Korea, and you are an American citizen. So that makes you an Indian-Korean-American. Your birth has endowed you with the power to show the meaninglessness of cultural, racial and national divides that have become the raison d’etre of modern bloodshed and war. Be aware that you don’t confuse your sense of self, culture or identity. Pay attention to who you are and where you come from. There is a feeling of security and belongingness in self-awareness.
May you bring understanding and peace into the present chaos.
You’re privileged to have components of three cultures in you. The food your Mom makes is Indian or Korean; you’ll learn, Hindi and Kashmiri from us and Korean from your paternal grandparents; you’ll celebrate Indian and Korean festivals and traditions; and I hope you’ll make yourself aware of other world traditions. That’s one of the advantages of being an American; you become exposed to the world within your own country. But the majority of us do not take advantage of this. We are aware of wars fought between America and many foreign peoples but lack knowledge and understanding of the cultures of the lands we are at war. Within this country, we live with but often do not link with peoples from different world cultures. It takes only one great person to change the world. When we immigrated to America, for the first few years we enthusiastically observed American holidays. While we continued to celebrate pan-Hindu festival of Diwali, and Kashmiri festivals Herath and Navreh, in time we also started to celebrate Thanksgiving and Christmas. Over time Thanksgiving became the day when we began to recognize all that we could be grateful for - our physical and emotional well being, our educational and professional successes and family togetherness. We live in a multicultural society, why not spice up our lives with the traditions and holidays of our multicultural community? Why exclude happy times of the people from different religious beliefs, cultures and ideologies? What was the harm in sharing joyous occasions with the inhabitants of the country we started to call our own?
You must not however adopt traditions and values automatically. You must always question them. Don’t do something because it has been done before. If a tradition or a custom doesn’t make sense anymore we must let go of it. If you like part of a tradition and do not feel right about its other part, readjust it accordingly. Make it your own. For instance, a few days before Christmas to New Year’s Day our family spends a whole week together. We put a fresh pine tree in the family room that fills the house with its fragrance. We decorate the tree with the ornaments that your Mom and Zoonie Massi made when they were younger. The tree’s color, glitter and lights reflect the gaiety and fun of the season. It is the togetherness of the family I see in that pine tree. It is not only an emblem of Christianity but also a symbol of renewal and growth, and a link between the terrestrial, atmospheric and celestial spheres.
As important as traditions is the family itself. A happy family is one in which each person is trustworthy and understanding. Each person is valued and respected irrespective of his or her financial or professional position. A happy family is one in which people can depend on each other during difficult times. In such a family, each enhances the other’s physical, emotional and intellectual capabilities and needs. Such a family gives strength during times of sorrow and trouble and bestows self-worth. A happy family is the foundation of a long, healthy and spiritual life.
With three qualities I have followed in my life, discipline, patience and persistence, I have found that we create our own realities. Whatever goal you choose to experience, set and plan that goal for yourself and you can achieve it. In life you get what you ask for. It may take a decade or two or, in some cases even three to reach a goal, but never give up. You will receive what you have dreamt about. If you have beauty within, if you act, say and think beautiful things, eventually you’ll be surrounded with beauty. Never be affected by other people’s negative opinions and judgments. They become hindrances to the kind of life you want to create for yourself. You must trust your inner voice, intuitions and beliefs and not worry about what others think. If we always worry about other’s opinions we create a never-ending cycle of failure and frustration for ourselves. So believe in your dreams and slowly develop an inner strength, wisdom and power to achieve them.
Doing something you love is fundamental to leading a purposeful life. Time disappears when you do something you love. That happens to me when I write, when I’m with your Nana, or your Mom or Massi. I feel confident in my creativity and spirituality and I see myself as a proud mother of courageous and confident daughters.
Unconditional love for my husband and daughters has flourished all areas of my life — physical, emotional, professional and spiritual. This has made me realize that each one of us has a unique purpose in our lives that we need to discover by listening to our inner voice, and recognizing and constantly rearranging our inner maps so that we realize our full potential. It is important to find time in our lives during which we may relish in our spirit and inner self. We can do that by such activities as meditation, music, visual arts, walks in nature, yoga and other such disciplines. When you become one with these activities you realize that you are connected with something deeper, something more than the outline of your body. It helps you to realize how much more rich and magnificent our existence is.
At times we face tremendous adversity, tragedy, mental agony or physical pain but at such times we must remember that good things are bound to come. For my whole life I have struggled with the question, what is the purpose of my life? I have been a painter, professor, writer, and wife and mother. I constantly ask myself whether my work makes any difference in the world at large. At this late stage in my life I have realized that all I do makes a difference to my life, my world. And if each one of us together make up the world then leading a meaningful life is significant for each one of us in order to maintain a healthy and peaceful world.
I may not be around when you meet your soul mate, marry and lead a life with your own family. But from my experience I can tell you that that is one of the most gratifying things in life — a happy family. Your Nana and I are fortunate to have experienced that for more than thirty-five years. Your parents will care for you, nurture you, and bond with you in a way that will fluctuate between frustration and tenderness. But facing the difficulties of life, its ups and downs will mature them and strengthen your and our bonds further.
I have an exemplary relationship with your Nana, Mom and Massi. During the traumatic periods of my life, in their hugs and kisses I found the love of my mother and my sisters. This was true in their simple utterances as children and is true now in what they say to me as adults. I find in them the wisdom of sages. In the company of your Nana I feel friendship and laughter in happy as well as sad times. All our relationships are still evolving and will continue to become enriched.
May your relationship with your parents be as loving as I had with mine.
Love between a grandmother and a grandchild is pure and timeless. Let’s cherish this love, this connection, forever.

Your Grandmother,
Nani